Friday, March 29, 2013

The Society for Evil, Debauchery and Kitten Appreciation Presents: Dating Tips in an Evil Secret Society.

No, that's not the smell of napalm in the morning, it's the smell of burgeoning romance. We know, sometimes it is hard to tell the difference.

Whether you are dating someone long term, or salaciously shagging in the broom closet at lunch time, or having that torrid affair in the sketchiest of roadside motels with a member of mortal enemies The Society for Good, Chastity, and Dog Appreciation, problems can always arise. Actually they seem to inevitably do so. Usually about five minutes after consummation. And then things can get stickier than the sex. Yes, sleeping with co-workers is really never a good idea, especially if you are dating anyone from the Assassins, Deadly Poisons, or Bad Dressers Departments respectively. The former two for obvious reasons, the latter as who wants to be seen in public with a bad dresser anyways.

And then there are the problems of bumping into an ex during a commando raid on enemy positions (especially if they've lost weight and look really good in their designer commando outfit) or at an evil boardroom meeting when you have to work together after the magic has gone on a much loved project you started when you were an item (that giant death-ray laser that was such a romantic concept, or the tender biological weapon that drew you two together). Though these things can be trying it is vitally important to always remember this sage advice: Never let them see you cry while plotting evil.

Dating in general as an agent of evil is indeed fraught with danger as you never know if the person wants to sleep with you because your brain is really so very sexy, or if maybe they just want to lure you back to their houseboat as it's a convenient way to dispose of a body. Trust me, I've been there! And it's a long swim home.

We suggest you try and develop as many immunities to the 'popular' or 'mainstream' poisons as possible as they are likely to be slipped in your drink when you mention how much you like or do not like children (depending on your point of view). Also, if you must date someone from mortal enemies The Society for Good, Chastity and Dog Appreciation (though they are generally bad in bed) remember to bring a lock pick set for those damnable chastity belts!

Finally, remember when you're climbing the corporate ladder there is always someone climbing behind you, and attempting to climb over you. When they do so, try and arrange yourself so this is as sexually gratifying as possible.

We even suggest dating 'good' people. Definitely avoid dating someone as evil as you are!  Yes, 'good' people are generally naïve, and sweet and far, far too trusting, and would never stab you in the back. They do tend to get all preachy however, and when affronted, will stab you in the front instead, and be all self righteous about it at the same time.  In fact, disregard everything. We recommend instead to date no one.

THE EVIL MANAGEMENT.
By: Daniel Smallegange

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Let's Have Us a Love Affair

Let's have us a love affair
You an' me
We'll take a long weekend
Try an' see what could be
Meet each other and walk the desert
Or huddle by the sea
Rub each one of our bodies
Tell each other our own
Grim stories
And laugh at all our follies
Bruise each of our lips
With kisses
Make each other smile
With ironic quips and lusty dips
Let's have us a love affair
You an' me
I can see it in your eyes
You have doubts
But trust in me
Over a long weekend
By the desert or along
The sea
Just you an' me
Take a long weekend
Try an' see
What could be
By: Daniel Smallegange

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

I Fought a Dog

I fought a dog for a bone
I made a log into a throne
Then called up Jimmy for a loan
All he did was groan
Then he told me I was known
To the police and wanted for
Crimes and certain
Ambiguities
So I decided
Decided to settle in Rome
Had to leave behind my throne
Find a new dog
To fight over a
Bone
Of contention and I never did
Never ever ever did
Ever pay back that loan
By: Daniel Smallegange

Thursday, February 21, 2013

Depressed and Repressed

Depressed and repressed an'
Someone came and discothequed and then
There was the repossess of
My Eldorado an'
I loved that car and that was why
She left me as she said
I loved it more than she
And she said I was
Not attractive
Sexually
And there you are and I am here
Repressed and depressed low an'
Someone came and discothequed
It was grotesque, but kind of cool
But raised me spirits none
Wishin' on having a gun
But a bullet you can't out run
And causes more pain than relief I find
In the giver as also them in receipt
And so I digress a per
But repressed and depressed
Is the solution to this mathematical equation
Or answer anyways
Now walking hitchhiking
Fond memories of the car
Heading down, down
Towards the bar
So I can drink and drink it all to haze
My Eldorado and baby gone
Smoking informally
In my last clean jacket an' tie
Enter the throng
Regressed and hip stressed
Live Dixie
Whiskey and whore blessed
Down low and lookin' up
Smiles huge and lap it up
Grotesque view and kinda cool
Smile huge and raise my cup
By: Daniel Smallegange

Thursday, February 14, 2013

Friday, February 8, 2013

My Demon Lover

My demon lover
Showered me with gifts
Preferred the rooms painted
Red and orange
Said it reminded him of home
He got homesick sometimes
My demon lover
His eyes had sparks and his wit was
Remorseless
His laughter was a rare gem
And he danced a Waltz
As if possessed
My handsome tall narrow
Demon lover
He got more physical if I got
Reciprocal
My demon lover
Liked the opera and
Traffic accidents
Left me with a taste
For blood
While he preferred
White wine
Which seemed strange
And contrarian
But that's why I loved
My demon lover
By: Daniel Smallegange

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

You're like a Sliver

You're like a sliver
Got under my skin
And I can't get you out
Down deep an' buried
Deep under my skin
Inflame me, itch me
And all my teeth an' claws
Can do nothing to get you out from
Underneath the layers
Layers of my skin
Down deep an' buried
You're like a sliver
Got under my skin
Got tucked in my brain
And all I can do is
Welcome the disaster
Pray for the rain to come
To soothe this fever
You, like a sliver,
Deep under my skin
Bring on
Useless all
My teeth an' claws
By: Daniel Smallegange