It all began with itches, but then again, what noble deed or heroic adventure doesn't? Itches and the rasping sound of fingernails scratching, endlessly scratching. To be more precise, or even exactly precise, these itches were occurring upon a decidedly itchy face. Thus, and after a week of itches, the bearded warrior was born. This due to a catastrophic failure of routine, mainly a failure actually, to shave. Born he was, of misery, tears, and scratchiness (mostly scratchiness), born into an unforgiving and hostile world, with eyes of steel, ready to use his wits, his fists, and his newfound beard power to crush all defiers, all resistance, all comers. A new bearded secret identity was launched, along with a new bearded struggle for world domination and several plots whose final goal involved the chaffing of the faces of cute girls with elegant necks and cute bums. A new kind of hero was born, but not a goody two-shoes, pansy, moral type, do-gooder, no! More of a hero concerned with general viciness, spiciness and moral decay... A hero with a beard!
And how they all fell like pawns before another pawn coming at them diagonally, fell before the beard of doom. Daniel was also felled, but that was because he slipped. He got back up though and used his beard power combined with his most awesome weapon, the turtleneck sweater, to savagely charm a city into submission. Well, not the entire city, more like a confused little old lady who thought Ghandi was a really awesome race car driver from Detroit. But still! And then there was an intrepid flight from a couple of cougars on a 90s indy dance floor that would instil terror in the most stalwart heart! And also the daringly couth week in the forest bonding with gophers, where lesser people, beardless people, or perhaps more sane people, had to retreat inside and into the cozy warmth, but not Daniel! Such adventures should be recorded in song!
'With great beard power comes great responsibility'. We've all heard this. It is a universal truth. Yet the bearded warrior Daniel Car Crash overcame this irksome responsibility by holding onto the receipt and then returning the responsibility part. It was exchanged for a most excellent canned ham.
Of course with every beard comes trouble... And our hero fell scratching into that, fell beard first. Trouble, as always, in the form of a dame... a bearded lady named Jane.
But that, dear friends, is another story...
By: Daniel Smallegange
