Not since being a teenager have I ever wore any kind of scent at all. I remember being thirteen and plastering it on with abandon, no doubt to such a degree as anyone approaching too close would be blinded or suffer similar reactions to mustard gas attacks of WWI. Ahh, youth.
And so, it just never became my thing. Especially after those first several casualties. I have avoided cologne and visiting their graves ever since. But, I always wondered what could have been. I mean, a life in tandem with cologne was permanently lost. What would fate have put in store for me if only... Well, the demons must be faced, and questions answered!
Therefore, having obtained a bottle of the new Calvin Klein 'Free' I have endeavoured to set out to prove whether no scent or scent will win out, or basically, if anyone will notice or comment. Of course, I won't be drenching myself in it, like that poor, misdirected thirteen year old that caused so much untold tragedy in the past. Lessons have been learned.
What will the result be: positive or negative, indifferent? Oh, let the marvellous adventure begin.
Day one:Having the day off, there is not much chance of meetings and confrontations. But this is a good day for me to get used to this new scented world order. Though I like the scent, it is hard for me to get used to it. This goes for my cats also. However, am I walking about the apartment with a certain higher degree of swagger? Answer: No, I am not an idiot.
A brief foray into the exterior world led me to the beer store to return empties. Did the gruff and tumble, rather hung-over and unpleasantly motivated beer store employee notice my new scent you ask? Answer: No. And thank ze Gods, as if he had really liked it, and liked me, I dread to think of the result as he was rather large and of a generally frightening nature. In short, he had the cold, dead eyes of a killer.
After this, a trip to the grocery store where the lovely and cute and young check-out lady might have sniffed the air, and did smile. Though I think they get electric shocks if they don't smile at everyone now a days, so I guess this doesn't
really count.
Day two:Hmmm, I am starting to get used to being scented. It is not so bad. And for today a trip to China town and Kensington market. Hopefully I won't be run down by the mobs of people who will now want to sleep with me since I am a tactically cologned up Car Crash!
First stop Library: And from the librarian?... Nothing.
Chinatown: Chinese medicine lady who sells me my green tea: Smiles, but nothing. I say 'Xie, xie' anyways, as I rock.
Kensington Market: Burly cheese store guys: Nothing. (Thankfully.)
Cute bakery girl: Nothing. (Unfortunately.)
Sushi people: Nada zipo.
Of course, I didn't really expect people to say anything. Except maybe the librarian, who I sort of chat with. However, while was I was walking, I went through the University of Toronto and managed to get three smiles from three very cute girls. This might be because I was myself looking very cute in my turtleneck sweater, however. And being outside you couldn't really smell me. Therefore, scientifically, the three girl smiles cannot be allowed to count. Why I didn't talk to any of these beautiful creatures, or fake an injury for their attention, is driving me to distraction right now though. Oh, but I have yummy sushi, so, who cares. And I smell good.
Day three:The gang: Four friends come over for drinks, music, conversation and of course, the cock fights. (Just kidding about the cock fights. Poor misunderstood roosters!). Friend one likes the scent, but finds it too sweet. He informs me it suits me though as I am generally not sweet enough. His partner, however, gives his nod of approval during a passionate declaration that Kylie puts on a way better show than Madge. And my other friends are also non-violent and reasonably keen. But this is a small part of the night. We end up at Clinton's for some super retro 60s dancing and romancing. While I do manage to tell a girl she is beautiful and she responds that I am beautiful, she is subsequently whisked away by the fates and three friends and I never see her again.
Here ends the great experiment. In short, I like it, and things pretty much happened in the expected manner.
Car Crash out!
Advice when applying cologne: Don't spray it in your eyes.
By: Daniel Smallegange
