On Dealing With Zombies, comedy by Daniel Smallegange

 

'So, I was dating this girl, but she had a one track mind. Like, all she could think about was 'Brains, brains...... BRAINS.' At first I thought I wasn't smart enough. But then I realized she was a zombie.'

Does this remind you of you? Don't feel self conscious friend. We've all been there. Everyone in a secret evil society bent on world domination at one point or another tries to develop some terrible serum that will raise the dead or convert the living into unstoppable, if smelly, killing machines to further a ~ you guessed it ~ quest for world domination. That or you happen to go on a blind date with one. Either way, when they turn on you things can get a little tricky. So, that's why, here at the Society for Evil, Debauchery and Kitten Appreciation, we've developed a helpful little list of helpful hints in order to help you help yourself out on that annoying day when you've been over-run by pesky plagues of brain hungry undead zombie killers.

Oh, and before you get all self righteous and mightier than thou and bleat on and on in an annoyingly whiny voice about how 'blah, blah, blah, it's morally wrong to raise the dead' and 'blah, blah, this is what happens when you play with God's immaculate creation' and 'you should have built a proper containment facility', well, you can just take a naked flying leap ass first in the general direction of an oversized meat grinder that has not even been disinfected in nary a week and get off our cases already please and thank you very much!

Ahem.

It is vital to not get caught up in any blame games when it comes to the 'Grrrr, grrr, brains, brains' clique (especially if you are to blame). Just keep reminding everyone of that and get out there and kill some zombies already.

Therefore and with much ado The Society for Evil, Debauchery and Kitten Appreciation Presents:

The Helpful Hints Guide at Helping People Help Themselves Get the Zombies the Heck off 'Em and Out of Their Back Gardens at Least Anyways.

1) First of all deal with the people blaming you for unleashing hell on earth into an otherwise normal shopping mall, suburb or whatever. This can be done easily enough by locking them in a room with some new acquaintances. Namely the zombies. That will shut them up in a hurry! You are happy, zombies are happy, everyone wins.

2) What to do when you meet a zombie?
Pretend to make friends with it by offering a drawing of a brain as a nice present. Then when it's licking the paper or otherwise admiring it smash its brains in with a shovel. Note: It is important you do not eat the zombie's brains in one of those 'Huh, how do you like it, eh? Not so much when I do it to you, eh, asshole zombie?' moments as you will likely get infected and become a zombie yourself. That happened to Roger last Thursday. He will be missed. But it was fun smashing his skull in with a shovel. And good exercise!

3) Also, if you are on a date and the person keeps lamenting a lack of brains on the menu and orders and extra raw steak and keeps admiring the size of your brain-pan you might be in zombie country. If they ask if they can 'give you a quick brain massage from behind in the lavatory or perhaps your car' you may indeed want to call it an early night and head home or indeed, out of state. Especially if their arm falls off before the entree arrives, or their eyes begin to run down their face during coffee.

4) What to do when a loved one gets bitten by a zombie?
Get a shovel and smash their brains in and find someone else. You didn't like them that much anyways, let's be honest. And with the world overrun by zombies any remaining humans you now meet will be much more attractive. Just don't let them know you're to blame and they'll likely be happy to do their duty and help you repopulate the earth.

5) What to do when your doubles partner turns up all zombied out?
Smash their brain with your tennis racquet. Actually, this goes for all zombies you come across in most situations. You don't necessarily need to use a tennis racquet however, just whatever's on hand. Preferably something sharp and heavy to smash their brainstems. In fact, you can get away with doing this to normal people who you find annoying and/or have attractive partners as well. Just ask them to go for a nice walk, just the two of you, and later tell their husband/wife, 'oh, yeah, them zombies got (insert name here). Nasty business. Can I perhaps comfort you at all? How about a nice bath pour deux'. Just make sure you clean any of their loved one's blood off of you and wipe that smile away before you present the 'awful news'.

6) What to do when zombies are wrecking your garden?
A zombie scarecrow was recently tried out, but didn't really have much of an impact. The zombies just tried to make friends with it and were happy to have another person to groan to. However, the zombies themselves do do a wonderful job at scaring away crows and raccoons and such. Positives in everything, right. But, if you really don't like the undead hanging out and decomposing on and around your vegetable patch or prize winning Gardenias then we suggest sending the person you least like in your group out to lure them away. This can be done by waiting for them to fall asleep and then shoving them out the door. If they're quick enough they'll lead the zombies a merry chase away and then everyone's happy. Just make sure you lock the door after you shove them out.

7) When would be a good time to visit my mother's grave during a zombie epidemic?
DO NOT visit any graves or graveyards during a zombie epidemic.

8) How do I protect myself when having sex with a zombie?
Don't have sex with a zombie you sick, sick, sick bastard! God, you make us so sick! You sick sicko!

Sincerely,
The evil MGMT.x

Written by: Daniel Smallegange, copyright 2015, all rights reserved.

Our Man Jack, Poetic Fiction by Daniel Smallegange, Taken from The City: Tales From the Post-Post Apocalypse

Our Man Jack

Spoken of with facetious proclivities is our man Jack. They’ve said he’s descended from lords and Czars or empirical mathematics.

“I am not all about the violence sordid, but the artistic destruction need be recorded.”

So said our man Jack.

    Our man Jack sat and brooded, as we danced and cavorted. What he wanted: change for the train, fare from the city. What he got: us speaking to him with facetious proclivity.

“Beware of atheists!” someone shouted. “And men driving large trucks.”

He sat and stared, our man Jack, as we linguistically danced, made poor attempts at romance, sat as if in a trance, but his smile grew and lingers, to this day it does malinger. But I do digress, we were such a mess, all full of festive glee, slight and amusing hypocrisy, for our man Jack, who’d been so hard done by, oh so hard done by. Listen man or woman, listen to the cry, the cries of all those been done hard by. They gnash their teeth in the streets of Kensington as all the whores go by, proffering their wares as we and Jack do sit by and by, laugh and stare at whores proffering their wares. And those gnashing pull out empty pockets and pull out their hair. We watch the whores and we do compare, some among us haggling for an honest fare.

We order a pitcher of sleep. We’ve all been running and have sunk too deep, are in too deep with bookies, mobs those who keep the keys, to our residences, our hearts, and dreams so far so we are not allowed even to sleep.

Our man Jack, he sits now, now leans back, smiles that smile and whiles it all away. His brain is lost away and at play behind the curtains of his drooping eyes, which are lovely but for that stye in the eye of our hurricane of pleasant loud and laughing hearts, underpinning the sigh in the tremendous eye of our despair we hide so well unlike our man Jack who is now becoming involved in a well manifested attack. Oh Jack we love you when you bend your tender heart to well meaning and irrefutable attack. He is our man Jack and when it strikes him he bends all will and logic to his hand so that none may stand and makes his magnificent attack against us, all our fake bravery, false modesty and joking camaraderie. We lap it up and know the truth, we are the uncouth and we love it, we so love it.

But our man Jack he does relax when we grow him a whiskey tree. With one sip his solemnity does slip we do see and he just sits as out on the street one of our number does meet a sister of mercy ~ wearing fishnets. Violence and a slap in the face as the band does take its place.

“There are islands out there where humanity does fare, better than this city, it is so shitty sometimes here,” pipes in Ryana, chief bassist, his voice fair and clear for all and one to hear, which we do, but pretend not to.

“He got his hand caught in a rope, no rope-a-dope, but switch turn an’ vicious.”

“Blade in the back, shiv turn counter attack.”

Watch our man Jack, as he sips from his whiskey tree happy as a flag at half mast at some ceremony. And there I sat, enveloped in black, as the merry conversation overtook me, overwrought me, bent and shook me. Pretty parties sallied by, past me and our man Jack smiling against the grain, who somehow gives me strength, stops up the pain, and don’t wanna cry no more. No, don’t wanna cry no more. Ambulance wagon arrives for the one who was shived in the thigh. Not his back after all, still can hear his muted sob-cry. All the ruffians scatter as if it at all matters, an’ even our man Jack, he’s disappeared. ‘Tis then I get the fear. Eyes agog. See what’s next through a film of fog. Outside are the non-entities. Inside where all is silence. I am a malcontent, do feel maleficent.

Our man Jack shouting from the throng: “Cybele was there. She’s at the bar talking communist. She said to say you are the grist and chaff, she sometimes gets caught in her teeth!”

That is when all mayhem broke loose. Blind-sided punch in the face to some hero’s disgrace. Once again, all mayhem broke loose. Our man Jack riding some hero on the back and smashing his pint on his skull. The whore that my friend had decided to order, shrieking such blasphemies, defending her order, scratching some punter a different face. Our man Jack he started to dance as bottles and knives are thrown and the first exhibition of the new show violence did make with its vehement kiss. Jack in such bliss, inflicting non-partisan violence with the flick of the wrist.

Away and escape my way of attack and of Jack the last I did see, waving his arms and eyes full of glee, diving head first and into the spree. His smile dear friends will never go away.

Our man Jack, spoken of with facetious proclivities. His smile grew and lingers, to this day it does malinger…

Written by Daniel Smallegange, copyright 2010, all rights reserved.

Photo of the author, circa 2010, Toronto, Canada.

Snail Moustaches, Written and Drawn by Dan Smallegange

 Snail Moustaches #comic written and drawn by Dan Smallegange, copyright 2018 all rights reserved.

The Beginning of My Epic Sci-Fi Comedy Noir Detective Novel 24th Century Dick.

                                                                         Chapter 1:

Of all the planets in the galaxy she had to crash into mine. In a fiery burst of splendour and mayhem she came, destroying all before her in a cacophonous rush of smoke and fire and burning debris of which, I would bet, the insurance won't even begin to cover. Also, the dry cleaning bill will be murder on my favourite pair of slacks...

But I am getting slightly ahead of myself.

<->

Being a private dick in the twenty-forth century, a gumshoe, an investigator, call it what you will, is far from glamorous, but when this woman crashed into the planet and into my life, well let's just say things got a little more interesting.

I was in the office trying to figure out a method for getting ketchup back into the little packages you get with take-out food, and quite absorbed, when the door flew open with a bang and in sauntered the most heavenly of bodies to ever travel the heavens, or crash out of them. In fact, parts of her dress were still smouldering and burned away, revealing quite a lot about the human condition. But she didn't seem to mind, and neither did I.

I gave her a quick once over while she patted down her more combustible textiles. I could see by the way she put her cigar out in my assistant’s uneaten Quiche Lorraine with side salad she was used to getting what she wanted. This accomplished she gave me back the once over, and with interest.

She surveyed the office next, this with the bored contempt of a well fed house cat, one who played by its own rules. Tactfully, she ignored both the smear of ketchup staining my formerly immaculate pair of slacks and the small fire her cigar had started in the Quiche Lorraine. You had to admit, she was a class act.

“Are you Molloy?” she asked.

“Who's asking?” was my pithy reply. “And what's the big idea barging into my office here, and also wrecking the whole street outside the place for five blocks?”

“My ship just crashed and I need a dick in a hurry,” she said.

I leaned back in my chair and smiled.

“Sure,” I said. “But I think you'd better buy me dinner first. See, I'm the classy type.”

“Perhaps I've come to the wrong place,” she said, starring down at me with an expression I was sadly becoming used to, one reminiscent of someone completely unimpressed and/or disappointed.

“Now hold on,” I said. “And yes I’m a Private Dick, or P.I. as we prefer to be called. And also, what can I do for you?”

“You're not offended by crashed space ships, are you?” she asked.

“Perish the thought. I’ve never really been that attached to this part of town anyways. Now, why don't you have a seat. I'd offer you some Quiche Lorraine, but it’s somewhat burning or at least smoking, as you also seem to be.”

“They say smoking's back in fashion,” she replied.

“Tell that to my neighbours with no eyebrows, or shops, or houses.”

“I thought you weren’t that attached. And I'd rather not. I'm trying to keep a low profile.”

“By crashing your ship and burning down ten blocks?” I asked, slightly exasperated and losing some cool.

“Five blocks at best. Don’t exaggerate, it makes you look pasty,” she said. “And I'm usually way more flamboyant.”

“Oh boy,” said I. “And please don’t set that chair on fire.”

I moved to the side cupboard where conveniently I kept a small fire extinguisher, just in case, some glasses, and a bottle of rye. She looked like she could use all three.

“You look like you could use all three,” I said.

“Your powers of deduction are impressive Molloy. It is Molloy?”

“Guilty. Present,” I said, which was the truth for both the latter, obviously, and the former, but that was several years ago and I got off with community service.

I handed her a drink and subtly put out the quiche with the fire extinguisher, this while she knocked back half a finger's worth of rye. Then I went to the window and examined the fifty-foot trench gouged into the street and surrounding buildings below, also the billowing wreckage of a spaceship parked unceremoniously at the end of it, smoking heavily. A parking enforcement-bot, partially on fire, was in the process of giving the ship a ticket.

“Smoking's in fashion now?” I said.

“What's that?” she replied.

“Never mind. Your ship is kind of on fire and smoking. Also, you're in a no parking zone.”

“It isn't my ship. I stole it,” she said.

“Oh boy,” I sighed.

“Yeah, so I got a case. You interested Molloy?”

“Well, that's great it's not your ship,” I said. “Let the owner pay up. I don't do parking ticket cases anyways. Say, anyone see you leaving it? Or, maybe like, entering this establishment?”

“They were too busy, you know, running and screaming, or whatever, burning, trying to help people...” She yawned. “I think I'm fine regarding that.”

“Well, that's good. At least you're fine,” I said.

She drained another half a finger’s worth of her drink and stared at me imperiously.

“Sarcasm doesn't become you Molloy.”....

Copyright Daniel Smallegange, 2024, all rights reserved.

My novel is available in print or as an ebook on all Amazon sites. If you would like to know when I occasionally make they ebook free leave in the comments section. Thanks, DS.

Buzzard and Rat Comic by Dan Smallegange

Written and drawn by Daniel Smallegange, copyright 2016, all rights reserved. Hey, if you like my stuff I put on here please leave a comment. Thanks

Jaundice Fish Comic Written and Drawn by Dan Smallegange

 #written and #drawn by #dansmallegange, copyright 2015, all rights reserved.

If Only Once More

 I want to

See you

Touch you

Fold you into my arms

I want to smell you

Feel your breath against my skin

Taste your mind

Touch your heart

I want to

Greet you with smiles and

Tears engendered by your absence

I want to

Speak with you

And hear all your tales of woe

All your fears, hopes dreams

And let mine interlace and weave into them

How I miss the web

Our fingers together make

Reflections of our inward thoughts

I miss you

I want to

See you

If only once more

Written by Daniel Smallegange, copyright 2026, all rights reserved.

Photo of the author, Toronto cruise, taken 2020 approx.

My Epic Noir Comedy Sci-fi Novel 24th Century Dick is Free Today and Tomorrow (Thurs/Fri) on all Amazon, Ebook version

My awesome #scifi #comedy #noir #novel is #free for two days on all Amazon sites #ebook version. Check it out and tell me your thoughts. You can download the free #kindle app to read it on any device. Just search for #danielsmallegange. #sciencefiction #humour #humor. You can also buy the paperback if interested.

Enjoying Some Calm at Dawn and Early Morning at My Cottage on the St. Lawrence River in Ontario, Canada.

 

Snail Whodunits. Comic Written and Drawn by Dan Smallegange

 

It's a heck of a mystery. Snail Whodunits #comic #written and #drawn by Dan Smallegange, copyright 2016 all rights reserved.

Admissions, Hell, 2nd Floor. Comic by Dan Smallegange

 Admissions, Hell, 2nd Floor. Comic Written and Drawn by Dan Smallegange, copyright, all rigths reserved 2026.

That time I went to Glastonbury

 

Did a little framing today. Some memories should not remain in a drawer. From #Glastonbury Music Festival 2002. Pics of your humble author poet Daniel Smallegange.

The Forlorn and Forsook

We are the forlorn and the forsook

Be forewarned

And pause

Look down on us and brace

State your intent and cause

And if you are within or without

The law

This may well predict our

Response and/or any movement

Either for or against

Be forewarned however

And stay your remarks be they

Kind or callous

Filled with good intent or malice

Stay your raised hand also

We have no need of handouts

Nor salutations

But silence as to our local predicament is

Appreciated

And may move you forward

As opposed to wayward

We the forsook and forlorn

Smile savagely

Grin ironically

We demand nothing but

Your undivided attention

Give us your span

Your faux heartfelt elan

So we might yet

Outlast the remainders

Those for and against us

Stay your advance but sit

Shed no tears

For the forlorn and forsook

By Daniel Smallegange, copyright 2026, all rights reserved.

Photo of the author in his backyard, May 15, 2026.

Bring What You Can Take and What You Need

I am a work of fiction

I am a work of fiction

Cleverly cultivated lies

Dancing on the spikes

Of those awaiting 

Crucifixion

Crucifixion

They don't like my choice of diction

But they are not keen on conversation

Those awaiting crucifixion

So

Bring what you can take and what you need

Bring what you can take and what you need

Come to me with speed

Come to me with speed

Bring what you can take and what you need what you need

The hammerers neither

But I am slyer

And catch the next bus

To Chicago

To Chicago

Where I will go to

Be myself

Sit and muse

Parlay with whores

Parlay with whores

As they seep me of my stores

In turn for advice

On what I should do

About the stye 

In my

Mentally prepared

Subconsciousness

Subconsciousness

You are not conscious but

You are not conscious but

Bring what you can take and what you need

Bring what you can take and what you need

Come to me with speed

Come to me with speed

Bring what you can take and what you need what you need

Despite the weather

My dirty laundry we will wash

Bring what you can take and what you need

Come to me with speed

As I wash away fictions

Predilections

So cleverly cultivated

Though they be

I will take pictures of our feet

No holes from nails here

And we will greet

Crocodiles and check their teeth

For bones and keys long lost

Their pedigree also

Feast on juniper trees

Building new fictions treasures and lies

Together

Together

Waltzing through streets

Through Cairo streets

Building new fictions and lies

Together

Together

Written by Daniel Smallegange, copyright 2002, all rights reserved.

Photo of the author early 2000s.

I just love fresh seafood. Comic by Dan Smallegange

 Copyright 2018 Daniel Smallegange. Written and drawn by Dan Smallegange

Like When They Only Give One Treat? Comic by Daniel Smallegange

 Comic written and drawn by Dan Smallegange, all rights reserved, copyright 2022.

I am very Proud to have worked on a show, as Props Buyer, which won an Oscar for Best Production Design. Congrats to Frankenstein!

Hurray, I can now scratch off my career list: Work for a show which wins an Oscar for Best Production Design (which Props Dept falls under). Congrats for Frankenstein Oscars to Tamara Deverell and Shane Vieau. Also, Kate Hawley, who won for best costumes, Cliona Furey. Mike Micky Hill, and Jordan Samuel for hair and makeup. Yay. Here are some pics of props and things I was involved with and thought were cool. I personally ripped up and aged the flags and got all the weapons and horse gear for the battle field scene, which was one of my faves. And getting the books was another passion project as I love antiques and books and so does the director. #frankenstein #Oscars #GuillermoDelToro

I ripped and aged the flags, got the weapons, worked on canons and horses and gear.

I did the human organs in the jars.

The dead soldiers fell under props, along with gear and weapons like swords and guns.

My van on a typical day, haha.

Books were one of my favourite props to get as I love old books and so did Guillermo. These the Creature peruses and were on the shelf in the cabin scene.

Myself talking Canes with legendary Guillermo del Toro.

There is a Fine Layer of Dust, by Daniel Smallegange.

There is a fine layer of dust

Covering you almost entirely you

Fine layers and fine print

A fine mess

And look at you looking

With those wet eyes so big

Shake yourself rise up rise up

At least enough to

Shake off some of the gathered detritus

This debris there's bits of plaster too

Coating you, fallen down

From this house once great you built

Now slowly crumbling

A fine mess indeed and murky viewings

Prospects seen

Through windows smeared

But what was once glorious

That is where your head lies now

Behind

And look at you looking

With those big wet liquid eyes

Rise up rise up

Shake off this dust and gathering mold

At least at least

Before you settle once more

To view the past

And reminisce

By Daniel Smallegange, copyright 2026, all rights reserved.

Photo of the author, circa 2010ish.

I Crushed a Can at Midnight, by Daniel Smallegange

I crushed a can at midnight

And I sunk too deep

I thrashed around to music

While all the gods did sleep

Dancing with the stars

Fronting like a Tsar

An island on my own

Hissing at the flames

Begging for the rains

While I crushed a can

I crushed another

It was then that I

Began to wonder

How it all began

Where it was she ran

And how the times do change

Until I danced this free

I sang for solace and revenge

Alone alone at midnight

Where I crushed a can

I crushed and crushed and crushed them all

Until my vision swam

I railed and cried and gnashed my teeth

Coughed and puked and staggered

And then I took to swagger

And walked the pain away

Until the moonlight

Ran from me like rain

And the dawn arrived

To whom I crushed another can

By Daniel Smallegange, copyright 2014, all rights reserved.

Photo of the author, approx 2010, Toronto.

In a Certain Light, written by Daniel Smallegange

In a certain light

In a certain view

I can see and contend

Exactly with you

With what you say and

What you mean

All you portray

What to glean

From all your frontings and fixed countenance

Your damn gloating and false pretence

Such effortless allure I wish I could procure

Lovely contours also you can imprint upon me

Anytime night or day

However and when

My point of view shifts

When I stumble or fall

Everything is less focused

More obscure

And the truth of you

Shines as through an open door

That's quickly shut

So this blurs and fades

Shades of light

Yellows and grey

But your silhouette remains constant and

Pulls me your way

I orbit you like some doomed planet

Caught heavily by your sway

But it's difficult to

Read through the lines

Divine truth from lies

However and ever

In a certain light

In a certain view

I can deal and contend

Exactly with you

So, long may it last

As good as it can get

After all and as they say

There's still life in me yet

Written by Daniel Smallegange, copyright 2026, all rights reserved.

Pic: I am in the centre, with a couple friends at a bar, from many moons ago.