I Ate a Gun With Mixed Results (Or is Death the End?)

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'Oh great zen master, so wise and learned. I have traveled many thousands of miles and endeared great hardship to seek out your wisdom. May I approach?'
 
'Yes, my son, come closer. I am old and wise, but my vision grows poor and my hearing fails.'
 
'Master, I humbly beg your attention.'
 
'You, who have braved such hardship, have earned the right to approach and ask but one question, and only one.'
 
'My question is this, oh wise one: What is the best passive thing a person may do with one's life.'
 
'Cheer against Manchester United, of course. Now get on out, the games about to start.'

By: Daniel Smallegange

A Matter of Taste

Cider's too sweet
I am sweet enough
With my tooth rotting grins
With my lackadaisical sins
I will deliver more sweetness with my
Rust bent razor blade an' pipe
Than all the raised thighs in the dance hall
Sweet as those may be

Whisky's too  golden
I am golden skinned too much
With my jaundiced shins
With my yellow stained sins
I will shed off more gold with
My rough hewn song
Than all the trumpets in ancient Rome
Sweet sounding as they were said to be

Lager is too sharp
My knives are sharp enough
With my shimmering scars
With my searing desires
I'll cut your debate in twain
I'll show you more sharp play
Than all the cheats in Rosedale
As deft a touch they claim to be

Vodka's too transparent
I am more opaque
With my lungs filled black with tar
Malcontent enough by far
A toast to the death of the Tsar
I'll down more carnage than
All the Cossacks could swill
Hard wroth riders though they be

I should settle then for water
But rain belongs in the gutter
And it brings too much discourse
Gives me lack of recourse
Fills my head with ill healing
Losses of income and teeth and meaning
Sends everything running
Running down the drain

Which brings me to heady wine
Red dark or clean white
Made from grapes divine
Stain my lips bloody
Make me inviolate
Make me your friend and brother
Or deepest darkest lover
Oh wine my heart belongs to thee

By: Daniel Smallegange

I Like Swearing (A Drinking Song)

I like swearing
It makes me feel happy
If you don't like me swearing
Why don't you fuck off

I like singing
It makes me merry
If you won't join my singing
Then you can stagger off

I like drinking
It takes away the pain
If you don't like my drinking
Then you can be the one................
Oh you can be the one my dear...........
The one that does abstain

(Chorus sung slowly)
Ohhhhhh
Why don't you piss off
You shant spoil my fun
If you don't like me swearing
At least then pass the rum

I like to run and play
It makes me free
If you don't like my running
Then stop your chasing me

I like climbing
I'll use you as my rungs
If you don't like it brother.............
I said if you don't like it sister.......
Then you just bite your tongue

(Chorus repeats)

by Daniel Smallegange, esquire.

Frozen Wood

Because frozen wood
Don't burn so good
I wish you were here
But not for your cheer
All your hot air
And the fire of your stare
Would thaw out the wood
And it would burn good

By Daniel Smallegange