Friday, 24 January 2014

I Ate a Gun With Mixed Results (Or is Death the End?)

I ate a gun and then she said
Baby that is coward talk
Or at least I think it is
But I can't understand you
So can you please remove the gun
From your oral hole please
So we can talk
And I did and then I told her that all
Love is fleeting and death is the only
Embrace that lasts a lifetime and she said
I can understand you much better, see my love
Without you deepthroating that revolver and also
Death is not the end
It's just a way to avoid paying any more taxes to
The government
Damn the government I roared and then more loudly
And an end to ice cream trucks!
And then I recanted and told her instead my dream about opening
A muffin boutique in Antarctica
They really love muffins there and they're sold for their
weight in herrings
But she slapped me and shouted!
Fool, how will you unfreeze the dough!

And I toyed with the gun and she
Ground her teeth in despair and said:
Death Is not the end, would you stay on topic please?
Now kiss me on the mouth
Death is not the end, I intoned. Not even in Cleveland?
There they have elevator music, she said, my tongue in her ear
I always get ears and mouths mixed up
And then she forced us apart
But what about love I said, surely it transcends death
and she laughed bitterly and explained how a squirrel once had stolen
A raisin crumble from her
We pondered the symbolism of this in despair
And I fondled the gun, like a lover and she said
And maybe if you ate some rye bread and peanut butter
Instead of that gun you would see
That it tastes much better and also
That it will leave less of a mess on the walls
When you pull the trigger
On the sandwich, I said, They have triggers now?
She then looked sadly, out to the sea, which was odd
As we lived in Manitoba
So I put down the gun to get her attention
I pine for the sea, she said, but it is not for we
For us we can have this
And she placed a toaster on my lap
Which she had been hiding under her dress
Almost in a religious trance she put in the bread
We watched until it popped and she said
Peanut butter can be the doorway to new worlds and perceptions
That's deep, I said
She put down the toaster
Yes, especially if you get the two gallon pail
We pondered this for three hours
That was when she hit me with a baseball bat
She also had spirited under her dress
That's a really big dress, I exclaimed, before hitting the floor
Toast crumbs went flying everywhere
I tried to dive to protect her from the crumbs
But I was on the floor
And the gun went off, puncturing
The peanut butter jar
We knew despair and wept and held one another and tried to scoop up
Some peanut butter that leaked out
We dipped in some rye bread, but it was not the same
Never again will it be the same, she said
As a goose egg swelled on my head where she had hit me with the bat
Never again I murmured
And heaven has no cheesecake!


OUI OUI Doobie! said...

WOW---I love this one buddy!
The title kicks ass too!

Daniel Car Crash said...

Thanks Phil!