Yes, True Love. It can be a real thorn in the side of any evil
corporation, dark empire or cuddly revolutionary group trying to take
over the planet. Especially if this terrible, maddening disease gets at
those people at the top. Suddenly generals known for cruelty and a
mentality hard as nails are wanting to buy everyone an aperitif and
trade sappy anecdotes. Suddenly absolute rulers fists are not at all
iron-like, but as malleable as a small duck who's been plied with
several rounds of tequila. They get all mooshey and cow eyed and grin
inanely when they should be minging mercilessly. Yes indeedy, Love is a
bane, true danger, and cause for worry in any 'Number 2' worth his or
her salt and pepper.
Yes, when thus afflicted the newly smitten
seem to want to forgive everyone and inflict on them uncomfortable hugs
and icky warm embraces. They'll decide not to drop captured agents in
that vat of acid or giant fishbowl de-la-piranha, but rather bore then
to death by telling them all about the handsome man or gorgeous gal
they're into. It is a serious problem this thing called LOVE and when
they at the top become afflicted only trouble may result. Averting
catastrophe in the early stages can be your only hope. Besides happy
people fucking suck. Let's repeat that:
HAPPY PEOPLE FUCKING SUCK.
Always smiling inanely and floating about the room and bringing the normal miserable rest of us down.
So, here below are some helpful hints and pointers on how to determine
if yes, the evil overlord is in love, the head of the assassin's guild
is in love, or even the head waiter is indeed afflicted with that
dreaded virus: love. (No one likes a blissful head waiter grinning like
an ass who can't concentrate on what the h'ordeuvres are.)
Your Overlord is in Love if:
1) He starts wearing snappy fashionable clothing in vivid pastels
instead of the requisite black and brooding. Also, you can see his teeth
way more often in what may be described as some kind of inverted
grimace previously foreign to him.
2) The boss's evil cat is
decidedly scratchy to the staff and in a foul, jealous mood, having had
to share the bed in the evil lair of late with the new love interest, or
worse, been confined to the couch!
3) The execution squad has so
much time off they've begun to learn pinochle and to finally get right
all the moves to 'Achey Breaky Heart'.
4) The evil general's
assignments move from devastating and ruthless attacks against dreaded
mortal enemies The Society for Good, Chastity and Dog Appreciation to
trips to the chocolate shops and redecorating books crop up on the evil
coffee tables.
5) And lastly, there is a final dread symptom that
marks the death knell of any evil society, this being the initiation of
bad poetry. Poetry is tried out on the under staff to 'see what you
think and if she'll like it'. Poems recited nervously on the love
interest's joyously large buttocks and streamingly luxurious armpit hair
are to be especially feared.
Dealing with Evil Goons in Love:
Just shoot them.
Goons can be replaced. Or grow more in the ol' cloning pond down by the
way. No one likes a goon chattering on and on about how he's met his
absolute soul mate anyways, when he should be pounding his sledge-like
fists into an opponent's sternum. With goonery silence is always the
golden rule.
On Dealing with Your Evil Overlord After He's Been Dumped:
Well, sometimes bosses kill their Number 2s through 20s when pissed
off/heartbroken/impotent/et cetera, so you are may be dead already. If
you somehow survived a purge (Stalin was famous for his purges after one
of his many blind dates had gone awry or even slightly awkward) then
you may want to focus this new rage into a small war or well, anywhere
but directed at you. OR you can get him some ice cream. Everyone loves
ice cream when they're down, even evil geniuses. And perhaps lace it
with barbiturates.
Love a kitten and kill a martini today.
EVIL SOCIETY MGMT xo
By: Daniel Smallegange
