Friday, March 29, 2013

The Society for Evil, Debauchery and Kitten Appreciation Presents: Dating Tips in an Evil Secret Society.

No, that's not the smell of napalm in the morning, it's the smell of burgeoning romance. We know, sometimes it is hard to tell the difference.

Whether you are dating someone long term, or salaciously shagging in the broom closet at lunch time, or having that torrid affair in the sketchiest of roadside motels with a member of mortal enemies The Society for Good, Chastity, and Dog Appreciation, problems can always arise. Actually they seem to inevitably do so. Usually about five minutes after consummation. And then things can get stickier than the sex. Yes, sleeping with co-workers is really never a good idea, especially if you are dating anyone from the Assassins, Deadly Poisons, or Bad Dressers Departments respectively. The former two for obvious reasons, the latter as who wants to be seen in public with a bad dresser anyways.

And then there are the problems of bumping into an ex during a commando raid on enemy positions (especially if they've lost weight and look really good in their designer commando outfit) or at an evil boardroom meeting when you have to work together after the magic has gone on a much loved project you started when you were an item (that giant death-ray laser that was such a romantic concept, or the tender biological weapon that drew you two together). Though these things can be trying it is vitally important to always remember this sage advice: Never let them see you cry while plotting evil.

Dating in general as an agent of evil is indeed fraught with danger as you never know if the person wants to sleep with you because your brain is really so very sexy, or if maybe they just want to lure you back to their houseboat as it's a convenient way to dispose of a body. Trust me, I've been there! And it's a long swim home.

We suggest you try and develop as many immunities to the 'popular' or 'mainstream' poisons as possible as they are likely to be slipped in your drink when you mention how much you like or do not like children (depending on your point of view). Also, if you must date someone from mortal enemies The Society for Good, Chastity and Dog Appreciation (though they are generally bad in bed) remember to bring a lock pick set for those damnable chastity belts!

Finally, remember when you're climbing the corporate ladder there is always someone climbing behind you, and attempting to climb over you. When they do so, try and arrange yourself so this is as sexually gratifying as possible.

We even suggest dating 'good' people. Definitely avoid dating someone as evil as you are!  Yes, 'good' people are generally naïve, and sweet and far, far too trusting, and would never stab you in the back. They do tend to get all preachy however, and when affronted, will stab you in the front instead, and be all self righteous about it at the same time.  In fact, disregard everything. We recommend instead to date no one.

THE EVIL MANAGEMENT.