Thursday, 13 October 2011

World Domination is Hard

Minutes recording from the Council of Evil World Domination Brainstorming Summit, October 13, 2011, Toronto, Ontario, Canada.

‘Hi, and thanks everyone for coming. World domination is hard. Heck, if it was easy, everyone would be plotting it, and not just the mentally or criminally deranged nice folks such as you or I.’

‘Hey!’

‘Yeah, hey.’

‘Sorry, sorry. Nerves, you know. Uhhhm, did I say deranged? I meant glorious geniuses and soon to be rulers of men, crushers of all who...’

‘And women, don’t forget women.’

‘What, fine. That’s what I meant. Obviously we’re not going to just rule the men and not the women.’

‘We’re an equal opportunity and non-biased evil society Gerald. Please, get with the times.’

‘It’s implied Randy!’

'Is anyone else hungry?'

‘Shhh Mildred. We only just started. Anyways, fine! Fine. Men, and women. Rulers of men and women. The feminists wanted to make sure we include that last bit. Rulers of men AND women….’

‘ And horses…. ‘

‘What?’

‘All equine creatures.’

Yes, fine, and horses too…’

‘And don’t forget the duck-billed platypuses.’

‘Really, is there any even here?’

‘Yes, there is. I brought Jennifer Duplaine.’

‘Jennifer is not a duck-billed platypus. She’s a lawyer from Des Moines, Idaho.’

‘I am so a platypus… On weekends.’

‘What? You’re a lady. And it’s Thursday.’

‘I’m a platypus.’

‘Fuck you Duplaine. It’s Thursday!’

‘Shut up Gerald. SHUT UP. I won’t listen to your lies!’

(Sounds of a machine gun cocking followed by many machine guns cocking, chairs being knocked over.)

‘You shut up Jennifer. Alright. Everyone, put your guns down. Everyone calm down.’

‘Gerry!’

‘Fine Jennifer, just put the gun down, okay? Fine, you’re a platypus.’

(Sound of gun cocking)

‘Duck-billed Gerry…’

‘Fine, a duck billed platypus. Please lower your gun.’

‘Thank you.’

(Sounds of chairs being righted, people re-seated.)

‘No one likes lawyers anyways.’

‘What was that?’

‘Nothing. Moving on. Now, please, everyone, can we get back to order… Now, where was I?’

‘Rulers of men, and women, Gerry.’

‘Thanks Ted, yes, rulers of men and women and all domesticated and non-domesticated animals. Now, let’s move on to ideas for getting there! Come on people we aren’t going to conquer the world without good, solid…’

‘And computers, don’t forget computers, or they can adapt and become self aware!’

‘Oh yes, good point Alistair, we’ll have to nip the self aware computers in the bud.’

‘Fine, fine. We’ll include computers, even though I think it’s silly.’

‘That’s because your desktop is from 1998.’

‘Now, that model is a perfectly good for what I need Mona. I can surf and do my word processing… spreadsheets… It’s ideal. Now can we please let’s get back on topic please, ladies and gentlemen of evil.’

‘And Icebergs, I want to rule over an iceberg with an iron fist, or at least a gloved fist, icebergs being cold.’

‘Shut up! Would everyone! Please, everyone quiet!

(General murmuring.)

‘Excuse me?’

‘Everyone shut up!’

‘I said excuse me…’

‘What? Yes, Mildred of the witches guild, what is it?’

‘I was wondering if we get snacks?’

‘We’re supposed to be coming up with evil plans!’

‘But, I’m just saying, if we had those little sandwiches I think I’d be much better… At coming up with evil plots.’

'Yeah, cucumber finger ones, like last time. I quite liked them.’

‘Fine, let’s vote. All in favour of cucumber sandwiches and snacks say Ai.’

‘Ai’… Many.

‘Fine, let’s break for snacks… Someone turn the recorder off… Man, world domination is hard.’

‘Man, and woman, COME ON Gerry!’

’AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!’

(Sounds of machine gun fire, screams, explosions.)

Wednesday, 12 October 2011

'Night Guard' (rock song sure to make me millions).

I got a night guard,
Baby, baby
I got a night guard.....
Baby baby
I got a night guard!
And it's gonna, gonna
I say it's gonna, gonna,
Protect my pearly whites.
I gotta gotta, I gotta gotta
Baby, baby
I got a night guard....

(based on true experience)