Join Today! Free Muffins.
Daniel's cult, uhhh, we mean not a cult at all, but family fun centre of joy and peace and blissful happiness, is a wonderful, clean and well established brain 'adjustment' program that gently coaxes 'lost peoples' into the correct and Daniel-centric world view with pleasantly numbing shock therapy and wonderfully long and calmly repetitive films produced just for you the new cult member! You will learn through special brain massaging techniques how much fun mindless obedience to the whim of the leader can be. And also, how to avert your eyes, and agree with everything the great leader thinks and/or does. And the proper way of asking the great leader if he's lost weight as he is looking super spiffy these days. Also you can learn about generally being complacent and complicit with all things Daniel! Yay! Let's all bounce to support our leader, who is more a friend anyways than a leader silly, just a friend who you must always, always mindlessly obey. And with the added bonus of free muffins and occasionally a live penguin dipped in chocolate if you are extra shiny and Daniel loving you can't go wrong.
'Bring me your tired, weary, huddled, sad and dirty masses and let them have muffins. Come unto me and I shall lick the world clean with the thrice cleaved tongue of wisdom, love and cunning transforming, mind altering bright shiny light. Come onto me and let there be bubbles added to water heated to a nice cozy temperature whereby three or four at time can have a lovely soak. I shall unburden you of all your worry, cares and material possessions.'
~ From the book of Daniel, the Nifty
Daniel, or OUR GREAT LEADER, has a smashing compound nestled in a beautiful, clean, picturesque and desolate area unburdened by any roads or human settlements for miles around. It is located in a cozy, safe, happy place protected by an exterior happy zone of protection so bad thoughts can't come in. This is comprised of a 'Peace and Joy' no frolicking mine field for member's protection and several 'Smile and Love' barriers made up of flowers and razor wire. Mainly razor wire. The compound itself is as monolithic as Daniel, our great leader, and has indoor plumbing (new) and padded walls (beige), and, yes, ping-pong!
'Let me, Daniel, rinse your brain of unwanted mental lint. Let me coax the dandruff from your soul hair. Let me eat the pain away with bites of delicious cleansing consumptive pain pleasure, which taste better than Havarti even.'
~Daniel, Great Leader, Spiffy Dresser.
Have you been lost, adrift without hope or joy? Fighting with your loved ones? Frustrated at an empty and cold society? Come into the warm, come feel the slow dance of communal love and squishy togetherness. Come and be loved by Daniel and blindly follow his world views and deep empathy for all cheeses. Find your new family which you will become exactly alike to and therefore close to. You will find acceptance and a belief system involving generosity and peace and the great feeling of having no worries or possessions in your name (they will be in Daniel's so you won't have to worry about them anymore) and unquestioning obedience and servitude to the GREAT LEADER, who happens to be on the lookout for a new wife or three if you play your cards right and are big. Note: The great leader likes his women really, really BIG.
Though the Great Leader has never been photographed due to security concerns and the fact that he believes photographs have the ability to steal sexual energy and can cause early onset male pattern baldness, we assure you he has very excellent and shiny white teeth with no chips or missing bits and hair of a flawless and wavy, if you will, bouncy nature.
Daniel, once a small town muffin baker, came to realize his importance one day in 1982 while eating his weight in uncooked muffin batter. Suddenly the mixing machine he was licking the inside of was touched by aliens from the future. It came to life spinning him around painfully for three consecutive hours before knocking him unconscious whereby he dreamed the aliens from the future came on to him, and blessed him and told him his mission which was to start a community of happy people who give him all their possessions and love him, and completely isolate them from the world. Oh, and to bring forth an abundance of muffins.
'I saw the light. I saw how great I was. And the aliens from the future saw how great I was. I thought, I need to spread the word about how great I am to everyone, let's start a cult, I mean family, let's have fun, let's bake muffins everyone!'
Daniel, The Great Humble Leader
Are you looking for guidance? Are you looking for confidence and something to believe in and a family fun filled experience in dogmatism. Lose yourself in us. All you need to do is sign over all your possessions and worldly goods and you can join up too.
There are NO, repeat, NO mind altering brainwashing drugs in the muffins. They are blueberry muffins. They will just make everything just neado an' wonderful dude… bliss, when the blueberries kick in after 5 to 25 minutes. Trust us, they are gooooooooooood muffins.
BLISS!
Glory of muffins to all!
The Cult of Daniel is not in any way endorsed by or affiliated with The Society for Evil, Debauchery and Kitten Appreciation. However his muffins do kickass.
By: Daniel Smallegange
