Taken from The Great Big Book of EVIL Advice and Philosophy for a Modern World, available in paperback for just $6.66. In stores now.
(In no particular order)
No 7: When tap-dancing in a minefield it is prescient not to wear your best trousers.
No 47: If you keep telling your plants they are fat they will develop eating disorders.
No 223: More irony in your diet will both help prevent leg cramps and keep people from the far right confused and at a safe distance.
No 12: It is not ideal to wear sandals when peeing while standing up.
No 86: Never trust anyone supremely gorgeous stopping you on the street. You’re neither attractive nor interesting enough to warrant this.
No 554: The secret to getting fat is drinking all the bacon grease.
No 332 Best Ever Cold-flu Cure: Drink a lot of tequila and fuck a hot stranger. Why it's the best ever cold-flu cure is that even if it doesn't work, you get to drink tequila and fuck a hot stranger.
No 365: A fruit fly in your glass of red wine adds flavour, especially if it is still alive.
No 427: It is not wise to pull a fire alarm when seeking privacy in the public washroom of a large office building as A: you can get really hard to remove ink on your genitalia, and B: sometimes the sprinklers come on during your own private evacuation.
This evil update brought to you by: ‘Pints of Live Fighting Bees’. Shake ‘Em Up and Drink ‘Em Down! See how many pints you can drink before you dial 9-1-1.