Thursday, September 22, 2011

Advice By the Numbers by Daniel Car Crash

Taken from The Great Big Book of EVIL Advice and Philosophy for a Modern World, available in paperback for just $6.66. In stores now.

(In no particular order)

No 7: When tap-dancing in a minefield it is prescient not to wear your best trousers.

No 47: If you keep telling your plants they are fat they will develop eating disorders.

No 223: More irony in your diet will both help prevent leg cramps and keep people from the far right confused and at a safe distance.

No 12: It is not ideal to wear sandals when peeing while standing up.

No 86: Never trust anyone supremely gorgeous stopping you on the street. You’re neither attractive nor interesting enough to warrant this.

No 554: The secret to getting fat is drinking all the bacon grease.

No 332 Best Ever Cold-flu Cure: Drink a lot of tequila and fuck a hot stranger. Why it's the best ever cold-flu cure is that even if it doesn't work, you get to drink tequila and fuck a hot stranger.

No 365: A fruit fly in your glass of red wine adds flavour, especially if it is still alive.

No 427: It is not wise to pull a fire alarm when seeking privacy in the public washroom of a large office building as A: you can get really hard to remove ink on your genitalia, and B: sometimes the sprinklers come on during your own private evacuation.

This evil update brought to you by: ‘Pints of Live Fighting Bees’. Shake ‘Em Up and Drink ‘Em Down! See how many pints you can drink before you dial 9-1-1.

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