Thursday, 22 September 2011

Advice By the Numbers by Daniel Car Crash

Taken from The Great Big Book of EVIL Advice and Philosophy for a Modern World, available in paperback for just $6.66. In stores now.

(In no particular order)

No 7: When tap-dancing in a minefield it is prescient not to wear your best trousers.

No 47: If you keep telling your plants they are fat they will develop eating disorders.

No 223: More irony in your diet will both help prevent leg cramps and keep people from the far right confused and at a safe distance.

No 12: It is not ideal to wear sandals when peeing while standing up.

No 86: Never trust anyone supremely gorgeous stopping you on the street. You’re neither attractive nor interesting enough to warrant this.

No 554: The secret to getting fat is drinking all the bacon grease.

No 332 Best Ever Cold-flu Cure: Drink a lot of tequila and fuck a hot stranger. Why it's the best ever cold-flu cure is that even if it doesn't work, you get to drink tequila and fuck a hot stranger.

No 365: A fruit fly in your glass of red wine adds flavour, especially if it is still alive.

No 427: It is not wise to pull a fire alarm when seeking privacy in the public washroom of a large office building as A: you can get really hard to remove ink on your genitalia, and B: sometimes the sprinklers come on during your own private evacuation.

This evil update brought to you by: ‘Pints of Live Fighting Bees’. Shake ‘Em Up and Drink ‘Em Down! See how many pints you can drink before you dial 9-1-1.

Monday, 5 September 2011

My Once Upon Dream

I miss how I miss your
Pretty ways and your ultra sways and your
Cannibal eyes ever ever
Consuming, consummating
Digging, fading and creating

I miss how I miss oh your
Prison walls and your dangling calls and your
Serpent tooth ever ever
Poisoning, counter-pinning
Clutching, tracing and embracing

And, and oh how...

I miss, oh I miss
Your tenous grasps and your heartfelt laugh and your
Lightest lisp ever ever
Spinning, enervating
Caterwauling and evading

What I miss I do miss is your
Captive walk and your sundance stalk
Slow burn kiss ever ever
Taking the foundations of my hope
And throwing them down to ruin

And, and oh how...

I miss how I miss
Your subversive smile as your will prevails
Your iron will dominating
Over all my cries on a rack made of sighs
Your slavering kiss, perfect tender wrist

I miss I do miss
You smashing my glass
Denigrating, penetrating
The undoing you grant
The sacrilege you chant

And, and oh how
I miss how I miss
My once upon dream